Poetry

Here's Jonathan Hicks marvellous poem from the 2000 Yorkshire Awards dinner on Yorkshires own Olympic Games bid…

Batley 2008

The gloves are off
The gauntlet is down
The citizens are plotting
In a Yorkshire town

The residents of Sydney
May have thought themselves great
But you ain’t seen nothing yet
Like Batley 2 thousand and eight

From hippodrome to metrodome
The planners have it planned
Dewsbury will be flattened
To claim some extra land

An opening ceremony
That’ll be repeated twice nightly
Singing led by Boycott
The dancing by Whiteley

A firework fantasia
Exploding champagne corks
What less would you expect
From the home of Guy Fawkes?

All of the Athletics
Plus the marathon too
Will be run down six lanes
Of the M62

The “up ‘n under” stadium
You will very soon see
Rising from that farm
In the middle of J23

No more poncey sports
Of that dressage we are fatigued
In with the real stuff ….
Darts, dominoes and Rugby League

Swimming and diving that’ll
Require the greatest of dare
Would you jump starkers
Into the Calder or the Aire?

Great new Yorkshire Events
To widen out the choice
Like the Lesley Garret-thon
Which requires the throwing of your voice

At putting the shot
The Russians are pretty good
But how will they fair …
With a Yorkshire pud

At chucking the discus
The Poles think that they’re great
But their hands’ll be pretty sticky
When it’s a Pontefract cake

Over a thousand yards
The Yanks rarely fail
But how many seconds
For a Yard o’ Black Sheep ale?

Completing the triathlon
Takes ages and ages
But our winner’ll be t’first
To finish Leeds Yellow pages

Rowing’ll be off Filey
Angling at Brid
(Where they’ll batter the fish
To raise a few quid)

Cycling up Sutton Bank
Down the Humber for the sailin’
Round Spurn Head in 80 mins
Faster than Michael Palin

Abseiling at York
Off the top of the Minster
Pie eating in Denby Dale
Sponsored by Ginsters

In Holmfirth, of course
Olympic Welly throwin
In memory of our friend
The splendid Bill Owen

Boxing in Barnsley
Where each and every night
In the pubs and the clubs
They love to start a fight

Football in Hull
Where they’re a little in the dark
Cos they’ve never seen it played
On the pitch at Boothf’ry Park

Gymnastics at Castle Howard
Where the views are exquisite
They’ll have not seen so many queers
Since the Bridesheads did visit

In Bradford, the hurdlers
Will set off in a hurry
Fuelled by t’after effects
Of our Olympic curry

And the pièce de résistance
The Yorkshire Tug of War
Where we last hammered Lancashire
On the slopes of Marston Moor

So, what a submission
To go in that Olympic tub
But will they draw the home
Of the world’s greatest variety club?

Much yet to happen
We’ll have to wait and see
They work in mysterious ways
Those officials at t’IOC

Spin doctors have been hired
And lapdancers oh so bonny
Plus forty former councillors
From Rotherham and Donny

The success of our bid
Only time will unfold
But tonight here in Leeds
We’ll see six medals of gold

Six fantastic people
Await to hear their fate
One thing I know is
Each makes Yorkshire great

So charge up your glasses
Prepare to clap and cheer
For the millennium line-up
Of Yorkshire Men and Women of the Year